What Do You Do With a Sleeping Swordsman?
by solderini
Summary: What do you do with a sleeping swordsman? Play pranks on him, of course! Contains a parody of What Do You Do With a Drunken Sailor?


Disclaimer: I do not own One Piece, nor am I making any profit from this work of fanfiction.  
  
Warnings: Just a bunch of Zoro-torture. What can I say, I love bugging the guy. Also, this is a songfic, though the song used is a parody of "What Do You Do With a Drunken Sailor?" and actually has relevence to the fic.  
  
//...//=Song lyrics  
  
~*~ What Do You Do With a Sleeping Swordsman? ~*~  
  
The lump blocking the door to the kitchen snorted and rolled over, unfortunately still in front of the door. Unfortunately for him, that was. Sanji eyed Zoro with disgust and prodded him with his foot. No response. He growled. How was he going to make breakfast for his Nami-san with this big lug in the way?  
  
Sanji kicked him a little harder, then again. The biggest change in Zoro's behavior was a slight hitch in his breathing which quickly evened out. Sanji bit down on his cigarette and growled. That stupid cabbage-head, he was always like this when he got too drunk, impossible to wake up and surly when he finally did.  
  
Sanji gave Zoro exactly five seconds to wake up. When he didn't, he hooked his foot underneath Zoro's torso and launched the swordsman into Nami's orchard.  
  
//What do you do with a sleeping swordsman  
What do you do with a sleeping swordsman  
What do you do with a sleeping swordsman  
Earl-eye in the mornin'?//  
  
"Sanji-kun!" Nami called from her usual seat on deck. "Is breakfast ready yet?"  
  
"It will be in a moment, Nami-san!" Sanji called back as he entered the kitchen. A loud thud from above alerted him to Zoro's landing, but he paid it no mind, instead whipping out a mixing bowl and cracking eggs into it. He whisked the eggs into a froth, then set the bowl down and lit one of the burners on the stove. As he did so, he fumed. Damn that Zoro, making his Nami-san wait!  
  
He set a skillet on the burner and waited for it to heat to the proper temperature. As he did, his irritation slowly morphed into glee. A devious grin spread over his face. Zoro would pay. Oh, how he would pay.  
  
The question was, what would he do with a sleeping swordsman?  
  
//Weigh hey, and up she rises  
Weigh hey, and up she rises  
Weigh hey, and up she rises  
Earl-eye in the mornin'!//  
  
A few days later, Sanji got his chance. Usopp woke up early, mumbled something about watching the sunrise, and left the cabin. As the door closed, Sanji's eyes popped open. Luffy was still asleep, but he was almost as heavy a sleeper as Zoro himself, which left Sanji free to do as he pleased. He grinned as he reached under his pillow and removed the razor he'd hidden there. Then he got up and got to work.  
  
Half an hour later, Sanji wiped his razor of blood and surveyed his victim with a quiet joy. He'd had to wait a few days for Zoro to actually fall asleep in the men's quarters--no way was he exposing his delicate Nami-san to a man's body. Unless it was his own, of course. He grinned at the thought, then contemplated the scene before him.  
  
Zoro slept on, oblivious to the draft he should have felt in his nether regions. As he'd slept, Sanji had carefully stripped his pants off, leaving him bare from the waist down. Then, just as carefully, he'd used his newly-sharpened razor to shave every single hair off of Zoro's legs. There hadn't been much in the first place, but what little there was was now gone, its passing marked by dozens of small cuts where Sanji had "accidentally" let the razor slip.  
  
All except for one, near his right ankle. Sanji leaned down and shaved it off, then slipped the razor into his pocket. He silently congratulated himself on a job well-done. Zoro's eyelids started fluttering, though, and Sanji took that as his cue to make his escape. He climbed the mast and shut the trapdoor as quietly as he could.  
  
//Strip his legs bare and shave all the hair off  
Strip his legs bare and shave all the hair off  
Strip his legs bare and shave all the hair off  
Earl-eye in the mornin'!//  
  
Sanji shifted his position a few times and quickly determined the best spot to watch the results. He pulled out a cigarette and was just about to light it when Usopp wandered over from the prow and stood beside him.  
  
"Morning, Sanji!" Usopp said brightly.  
  
"Shh," Sanji answered. "Listen."  
  
"Huh? Listen for what?"  
  
"It should be any second now." Sanji lit his cigarette and took a drag, then waited with a perplexed Usopp. Five seconds passed. Ten. Then a mighty roar emanated from the deck right below them, causing Usopp to leap almost a foot in the air.  
  
"WHAT THE SHIT IS THIS?" Zoro bellowed. Sanji laughed, clutching his cigarette in one hand and slapping his knee with the other. He'd have to sharpen his razor again later, and boil it to kill the Zoro-germs he was sure was infecting it now, but oh, it was worth it!  
  
"Jeez, Sanji," Usopp said once he'd calmed the knocking of his knees, "what did you do to him?"  
  
Sanji grinned. "Shaved his legs."  
  
Usopp stared at him, then burst into laughter of his own. "You're--You're kidding!" he wheezed. Sanji shook his head. "That's great!" Usopp said, shaking his own.  
  
"Isn't it though?" Sanji answered, then got his laughter under control and took another drag from his cigarette. Just then, Zoro barged onto the deck and pointed at Sanji, fuming.  
  
"You!" he growled. "You did this!"  
  
"Did what, Zoro?" Luffy asked, also emerging from the lower deck and rubbing his eyes sleepily. "Why did you wake me up?"  
  
Zoro glanced at Luffy, then at Sanji, then back at Luffy again. After a moment, he sighed and relaxed his muscles. "Nothing, Luffy," he said. "At least, nothing I can't grow back." He glared at Sanji one last time, then stalked off. "I'm going back to bed."  
  
Sanji grinned slyly at Usopp. "So... you want in?"  
  
Usopp returned the grin. "You bet."  
  
"Sanji, I'm hungry!" Luffy whined. "I want some bacon!"  
  
"In a minute," Sanji answered. "I want to savor this moment."  
  
"What's all the noise about?" Nami said as she, too, made her way up from the lower deck.  
  
"Nothing, Nami-san!" Sanji crooned, hearts in his eyes. "I was just about to fix your breakfast!"  
  
Sanji rushed off to the kitchen. Usopp, meanwhile, looked out over the water and scratched his chin. What could he do with a sleeping swordsman?  
  
//Weigh hey, and up she rises  
Weigh hey, and up she rises  
Weigh hey, and up she rises  
Earl-eye in the mornin'!//  
  
Later that day when Zoro was napping peacefully by the prow, something wet hit him in the face. He grunted and rolled over, wiping at whatever it was. Probably a random drop of water thrown up from the ocean by the wind. Maybe seaweed, since there was something solid in the middle of all the wetness.  
  
All was fine and well for a time. Zoro was just starting to slip into a dream where he'd finally beaten Mihawk when another of the damn things hit him, on the arm this time. He wiped it off again and got up. No sense in sleeping near the railing if he wasn't gonna get any sleep! He trudged sleepily to the center of the ship, near the mast, and lay down again, falling asleep almost immediately.  
  
The next dream was almost as good as the last one, about Whisky Peak and all the ass he'd kicked there. But just as he was getting to the really good part, another one of the things hit him, then another, then a whole bunch at once. Zoro opened his eyes. What was going on?  
  
A large number of small dots were falling straight towards him, dots which he assumed were the same things that had hit him before. He rolled out of the way just in time; the things hit the deck beside him with a series of small splats. 'That could've been me,' Zoro thought as he surveyed the scene.  
  
White splatters littered the deck, each with a small lump in the center. The smell of paint was thick in the air. Zoro narrowed his eyes as he realized that the stuff was all over him, too. And he'd just washed his clothes last month!  
  
Zoro glared up at the crow's nest. There was only one person on the ship capable of doing something like this, and he was in just the right position to do it, too.  
  
"Usopp," he yelled, "you are so dead!"  
  
"Wh-Wh-What did I do?" Usopp squacked. "When did you wake up, Zoro?"  
  
"You got paint all over me, you bastard!"  
  
"That's not true!" Usopp shouted indignantly. "Whatever makes you think that I, Usopp, the great and honorable warrior of the seas, would ever stoop so low as to hit someone with a paintball, especially a friend?"  
  
"Shut up and come down here so I can kill you!" Zoro yelled. If only he hadn't left his katana in the cabin!  
  
"I-I-It was a bird, I swear! A whole flock! Millions of 'em! I only barely avoided their assault myself!"  
  
"And their shit smells like paint?"  
  
"They were very weird birds," Usopp said seriously.  
  
//Hit him with a paintball when he's sleeping  
Hit him with a paintball when he's sleeping  
Hit him with a paintball when he's sleeping  
Earl-eye in the mornin'!//  
  
The boys were yelling again, right outside the lounge too. Nami sighed and weighted down the corners of the map she'd been working on so the ink wouldn't smudge. Seriously, some days she thought they couldn't keep quiet for even a minute. She stood up and slammed open the door, determined to figure out what was going on and put a stop to it.  
  
Zoro was halfway up the rigging, headed for the crow's nest, where Usopp was cowering. The look on his face told Nami that Usopp was in mortal danger.  
  
"Stop lying, you long-nosed freak!" Zoro yelled. Sanji rushed forward from the stern, took one look at the situation, and burst out laughing.  
  
"I'm not lying!" Usopp insisted, looking frantically around for a way out. "There really was this huge flock of birds--"  
  
"And they all decided to hit me?"  
  
"N-n-no, not really! You see, they had a grudge against me from my days as a great ornithologist, and they tried to get me, but I managed to bargain with them! I'm sorry! I should never have offered you as an alternate target!"  
  
"OK, now you're dead!" Zoro growled. Nami growled too. She'd had about enough of this. She reached down her shirt, drew out her bo staff and slammed it against the door.  
  
"What the hell is your problem?" she shouted to Zoro. "Didn't your mother teach you to pick on people your own size?"  
  
Zoro froze and looked at her, one hand still raised to pound Usopp into unconsciousness. Nami met his look cooly, and after a moment, Zoro lowered his hand.  
  
"He started it," he grumbled.  
  
"I don't care who started it," Nami said firmly. "I just want it to stop. *Now*."  
  
Zoro held her gaze for a moment longer, then looked away. He descended the rigging, then disappeared below decks. Nami smiled, folded her bo staff and stored in in her cleavage.  
  
"That was so cool, Nami-san!" Sanji gushed.  
  
"I know," she replied, then turned her gaze to the crow's nest. "Hey Usopp," she called, "come down here and tell me what that was all about."  
  
"Oh, no need for that, Nami-san!" Sanji cooed. "I can tell you!"  
  
Nami sighed. "OK, Sanji-kun, tell me."  
  
"Well, it started out when I shaved Zoro's legs."  
  
"You what?"  
  
Sanji grinned. "I shaved his legs while he was sleeping."  
  
"And today," Usopp interrupted, joining the conversation, "I hit him with paintballs while he was sleeping and told him it was a flock of birds." He scratched his chin thoughtfully. "I don't know why he didn't believe me..."  
  
Nami pressed her lips together to keep from laughing out loud. She didn't know what Zoro had done to provoke Sanji and Usopp, but the payback looked like fun.  
  
"I want in," she said. Sanji's face lit up.  
  
"Nami-san's going to tease Zoro with me! I'm in heaven!"  
  
Usopp cackled. "Whatever you do, Nami, I wanna see it. Knowing you, it'll be great."  
  
"I'll see if I can come up with something by tonight," Nami promised. "Now, Sanji-kun, I think it's about time for lunch?"  
  
"Yes, Nami-san!" Sanji rushed off to the kitchen, Usopp returned to the crow's nest, and Nami went back inside, shutting the door behind her. She sat down at the desk, but didn't go back to her cartography right away. Instead, she spent a full minute with a wicked smirk on her face, contemplating a single question:  
  
What could she do with a sleeping swordsman?  
  
//Weigh hey, and up she rises  
Weigh hey, and up she rises  
Weigh hey, and up she rises  
Earl-eye in the mornin'!//  
  
"Please don't do it, Nami-san," Sanji begged.  
  
"Whyever not, Sanji-kun?" Nami said sweetly. "Weren't you the one that started this whole thing?"  
  
"...Yes," Sanji admitted. "But I never thought it would lead to this."  
  
"Well, I think you should do it," Usopp said.  
  
"Your opinion doesn't count!" Sanji said, narrowing his eyes.  
  
"But just imagine the look on his face tomorrow!" Usopp insisted. "Besides, it's not like anything's actually gonna happen--I mean, look at Zoro. He's dead drunk!" To illustrate his point, he kicked Zoro lightly in the side. The swordsman made no response.  
  
"And he won't wake up for anything," Nami agreed. "So that settles it. Sanji-kun, Usopp, could you move him into position, please?"  
  
The boys picked Zoro up and hauled him off, Usopp cheerfully and Sanji not so much so. Nami smirked and locked herself in the lavatory to prepare. If all went as planned--and Nami had no doubt it would--it could very well be the best prank in the history of the Going Merry.  
  
//What will they do with the sleeping swordsman  
What will they do with the sleeping swordsman  
What will they do with the sleeping swordsman  
Earl-eye in the mornin'?//  
  
"Thanks for taking care of the kids, dear," Nami said, kissing him on the cheek on her way out the door. "Remember, you still owe me four more before your debt is paid!" With that, she left Zoro to his doom.  
  
Zoro looked around in a panic. All around him were little redheaded girls of various ages, screaming and running around. A few in the corner were gambling. He wanted to cry. God, get too drunk to think just once, and your whole life is ruined.  
  
And to make things worse, Nami insisted *he* wear the dress and pink frilly apron.  
  
"Hey Mama Zoro," said a little Nami-clone, tugging at his apron. "Play with us."  
  
"Not right now," Zoro answered. "Mama needs a bourbon."  
  
"Play with us!" she insisted. The others joined in, closing in around him like vultures. "Play with us!" they chanted. "Play with us! Play with us!"  
  
"You want me to play with you?" Zoro asked. As one, the little girls nodded. "OK then." He started to reach for his katana, but before he could arm himself, something even worse happened.  
  
"Sanji-kun!" the little girls cried. What must have been twenty tiny Sanjis leapt into the room from somewhere, smoking little tiny cigarettes.  
  
"Yes, Nami-san?" they said.  
  
"Kill him!"  
  
"Yes, Nami-san!" The little Sanjis leapt at Zoro, and then he woke up.  
  
Zoro stared at the ceiling for a moment, ascertaining that yes, this was reality, no, he had not procreated with Nami, and no, he was not wearing a dress. Then he noticed that he wasn't staring at the ceiling he was used to. He darted his eyes around the room. A bookshelf--the men's quarters didn't have one. And that wasn't a hammock under his back, but some kind of couch. So where was he?  
  
His eyes fell on a treasure chest in the corner. Ah, so that's where he was.  
  
But how did he end up in the women's quarters?  
  
//Weigh hey, and up she rises  
Weigh hey, and up she rises  
Weigh hey, and up she rises  
Earl-eye in the mornin'!//  
  
All of a sudden, he noticed a significant weight on his chest. He looked down to see what it was, only to come face-to-face with a scantily clad Nami, who shifted slightly and smiled at him.  
  
"Hey, stud," she said, "was it good for you?"  
  
//Throw him on a couch with the navigator  
Throw him on a couch with the navigator  
Throw him on a couch with the navigator  
Earl-eye in the mornin'!//  
  
Zoro didn't scream, unfortunately, but the speed at which he bolted out of the room was more than funny enough for Usopp. He burst out laughing before Sanji had even shut the trapdoor behind Zoro. Still laughing, he rolled out from under the couch and gave Nami a high-five.  
  
"Jeez, Nami," he said, "the way you talked, it sounded like you guys really *had* done something!"  
  
"Well," Nami giggled, "not like he would notice. I bet you 50 Beri I could screw him while he's sleeping and he wouldn't even wake up."  
  
"You're o--EEP!" Usopp shrieked as he rolled back under the couch to avoid Sanji's descending foot. It hit the floor with enough force to crack a few of the boards.  
  
"You will *not* be taking that bet," Sanji said. "How dare you tempt Nami- san to--"  
  
"You mean, you wanna do it?" Nami asked slyly. Usopp snickered.  
  
"What? Oh, no, Nami-san, my heart is reserved only for you!"  
  
"I know, Sanji-kun," Nami said dismissively. "Now, both of you get out so I can get dressed. We meet at noon to plan."  
  
Sanji and Usopp left. Usopp had to bite his tongue from giggling in glee. If Nami actually wanted to make plans beforehand, well, it would the best prank in the history of the world!  
  
//Weigh hey, and up she rises  
Weigh hey, and up she rises  
Weigh hey, and up she rises  
Earl-eye in the mornin'!//  
  
"OK," Nami said, crouched near the entrance to the lounge, where Zoro was napping. "I've got the rope and the pearl earrings."  
  
"I've got the lard and the ashtray," Sanji added.  
  
"And I," Usopp chimed in, "have the ketchup and the hermit crabs."  
  
The other two looked at Usopp. "Usopp," Nami said, "we don't need ketchup."  
  
"But don't you think it'd add to the effect?" Usopp asked. Nami shook her head, and Usopp dejectedly put the ketchup back into his bag.  
  
"We have everything," Nami said. "Do you all remember the plan?"  
  
"Yes, Nami-san!" Sanji said. Usopp nodded and took a quick look through the portal into the lounge. His eyes widened.  
  
"Shh!" he whispered. "Here he comes!"  
  
The three conspirators hushed as Zoro opened the door. For one terrifying moment Nami thought they'd been discovered: Zoro stopped and looked down at them. But then he just said, "Pardon me," and went on. She noticed as he passed her that he was carrying a bouquet of fresh flowers he'd gotten from who-knew-where.  
  
Nami blinked, then looked at Sanji and Usopp, who seemed just as confused as she.  
  
"Hey, you guys," Usopp said. "Did Zoro seem a little... off to you?"  
  
"Yeah," Sanji answered. "I mean, when has he ever said 'Pardon me?'"  
  
"He had flowers in his hand. A whole bouquet," Nami stated. They looked at each other for a moment more, then rose as one to follow him. Zoro made a beeline for the stern, where Luffy was watching the waves. Nami, Sanji and Usopp peered around the corner and watched.  
  
"Luffy..." Zoro said, holding the flowers behind his back.  
  
"Yeah, Zoro?" Luffy answered. "What's up?"  
  
"Come down here, OK? I wanna... give you something."  
  
"OK!" Luffy hopped down from the railing and smiled at Zoro. Nami, Sanji and Usopp exchanged looks. What was going on here?  
  
Zoro took a deep breath. "Here," he said, thrusting the bouquet at Luffy and looking away. His blush could be seen a mile away.  
  
"Thanks!" Luffy exclaimed happily. He took the flowers and smiled even wider. Nami's eyes widened to almost the same size when Zoro cupped Luffy's face softly with his hand.  
  
"Luffy..." he said. "That's not all I wanted to give you..." Ever so slowly, he leaned in.  
  
"I don't believe I'm seeing this," Sanji whispered. Nami and Usopp nodded in agreement.  
  
//Write him in a fanfic out-of-character  
Write him in a fanfic out-of-character  
Write him in a fanfic out-of-character  
Earl-eye in the mornin'!//  
  
Just as his lips were about to touch Luffy's, Zoro looked straight at the other three and said, "Got you."  
  
The rest of the afternoon was taken up by a giant game of Reverse-Tag, with Zoro as "it." After Luffy had eaten his flowers, he joined in. This crew was the best! They gave him snacks and stuff, and played games with him, and were just the coolest people he knew, aside from Shanks of course. He loved being a pirate!  
  
//Weigh hey, and up she rises  
Weigh hey, and up she rises  
Weigh hey, and up she rises  
Earl-eye in the mornin'!//  
  
On an island far, far away, a certain redheaded pirate captain was passed out cold, empty bottles of rum scattered all around him. He shifted slightly in his sleep, a thin trickle of drool running out of his half- opened mouth.  
  
Had he been awake, Shanks would have noticed three ominous shadows fall over him, one significantly wider than the others.  
  
Oh well, thought Ben, his doom.  
  
"OK, you guys," he said aloud. "You ready?"  
  
"Yup," Yasopp said. Lucky Roux bit off a hunk of mutton by way of agreement.  
  
"Well then," Ben said, turning to face his cohorts. As one, they grinned wickedly, eyes gleaming. "Let's get to work."  
  
//What do you do with a drunken captain  
What do you do with a drunken captain  
What do you do with a drunken captain  
Earl-eye in the mornin'?//  
  
~*~ The End ~*~  
  
If you liked it, please tell me why. If you didn't, please tell me why. I promise I won't whine. Slap my fic up. You know you want to. 


End file.
